Suited to a Tea

Welcome to my tea. Please, have a seat; let me pour you some Lady Grey; one lump or two; cream? ....

Friday, June 30, 2017

Religious Liberty, Freedom of Expression

In light of what has happened in Arkansas; what is happening now with the supreme court hearing from Masterpiece cakes and how our own freedom of religion and to express ourselves based upon conscience is at jeopardy-let's remember to learn the facts about the issue; so I'll re-post what I said a year ago on this subject, with some recent interjections:

To all of you who "preach" "separation of church and state," let's educate you on what that statement was intended to mean by the author himself. 

Here is letter where that statement originated:

To messers. Nehemiah Dodge, Ephraim Robbins, & Stephen S. Nelson, a committee of the Danbury Baptist association in the state of Connecticut.

The affectionate sentiments of esteem and approbation which you are so good as to express towards me, on behalf of the Danbury Baptist association, give me the highest satisfaction. my duties dictate a faithful and zealous pursuit of the interests of my constituents, & in proportion as they are persuaded of my fidelity to those duties, the discharge of them becomes more and more pleasing.
Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should "make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof," thus building a wall of separation between Church & State. Adhering to this expression of the supreme will of the nation in behalf of the rights of conscience, I shall see with sincere satisfaction the progress of those sentiments which tend to restore to man all his natural rights, convinced he has no natural right in opposition to his social duties.
I reciprocate your kind prayers for the protection & blessing of the common father and creator of man, and tender you for yourselves & your religious association, assurances of my high respect & esteem.
Th Jefferson
Jan. 1. 1802.

Now, having the statement in context, one can clearly see by no means did Jefferson ever intend to have religion removed from politics (or from public life) is a man to govern himself if he fails to use his principles as guide? i.e. his faith..."make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, thus building a wall of separation between Church & State"...that wall of separation was set up to protect the churches from the government, (or private businesses like Masterpiece cakes) from coming and making oppressive laws that infringed upon religious freedoms and setting up a State church-(a state church that's humanistic in its practice and that had far more reaching detrimental affects than one can imagine- just look at the case of the 11 month old infant Charlie sentenced to death by a panel of hospital administrators..)

Although this current government (Obama's, I wrote this over a year ago) wants to set up atheism and secularism as their official religion, i.e. Supreme Court's ruling of marriage equality. 

Hello my friends, where do you think law comes from? Man? I don't think so.  Man cannot be man's absolute authority because man's nature is flawed, man will do that which is right in his own eyes.   Ideally man needs an overseer and our founding fathers knew this.

John Adams in a speech to the military in 1798 warned his fellow countrymen stating, "We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion . . . Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other." John Adams is a signer of the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights and our second President.

Is placing the Ten Commandments on the front lawn of congress making a law respecting an establishment? No! 

It's a historical religious document important to our nations history. Just accept the fact that our country was built upon Judeo Christian morals. 

Our nations documents, letters, monuments, laws and all recorded history point to the fact that we are built upon such philosophy. That's plain history and you can't make that up. 

Who do you think thought the Ten Commandments were important enough to help in determining the laws of our country? How about those founding fathers that all millennials and our (previous) President call rich white racists; a former President and a group of people who only care whether things are fair, not in the truth about why our country is what it is. And in pursuant to that regard tear down all the ancient landmarks, ie the Ten Commandments, If you don't like it-get out! 

I'm sure you'd love to live in a place like Iraq where women are no more than property and treated like dogs, but hey, they didn't have those pesky Ten Commandments to help them that's unfair.

Hopefully with this new Administration and some common sense back on the bench, we'll see a new precedent and in return some protection put in place for those who would be so governed by their faith in God, without the fear of some secular humanist coming in and challenging them

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Practically becoming a "New Man"

Don't let the title of my post fool you.  It is a sad time in which we live where I have to clarify and quantify what I'm saying:  I am a woman.  God made me this way and it's not a choice, I'm happy and grateful for God's choice for me.

I wish our society could see the peace that comes from knowing Who You Are, Where You came from, Why YOU are here and Where YOU are going.  I'm also a woman of practicality.

I love God's Word because of its practical, "bottom shelf" knowledge.  No disrespect meant, but God knew that I'm a slow learner  sometimes and I need direct communication from Him. God says we ought to become "new men."

Ephesians 4:24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. 

In the time since I began my journey to please and live for the Lord, about 13 years now after I rededicated my life; I've heard many scholars of The Word speak about putting on the "New Man."

 Contextually, what is that verse speaking about.  Let's look.  Like my Pastor always says, the Bible is the best commentary on Itself.

Eph 4:17 ¶ This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that ye henceforth walk not as other Gentiles walk, in the vanity of their mind,
18 Having the understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God through the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart: {blindness: or, hardness}
19 Who being past feeling have given themselves over unto lasciviousness, to work all uncleanness with greediness.
20 But ye have not so learned Christ;
21 If so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus:
 22 That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts;
 23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;
24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness.
 25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.
 26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
 27 Neither give place to the devil.
28 Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. {to give: or, to distribute}
 29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. {to...: or, to edify profitably}
 30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
 31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

I came across a scrap of paper tucked away in my Bible this morning with some notes on it.  It was a list of things I told myself to pray for to help me better "walk the talk."

Practically speaking, Eph 4:17-32, tells the Christian how to put on the "New Man."  I once heard a Pastor say, "it's like you are putting on a jacket everyday."  The Christian is dying to self, and putting Christ's "self" on as a replacement, like an article of clothing.  Literally getting dressed by Jesus daily.

On this scrap of paper I wrote:

charity out of a pure heart and good conscience,
faith unfeigned (sincere)
faithful in all things
be not highminded
do good; be rich in good works
distribute (the Gospel) and be willing to communicate
have a true heart in full assurance
hold fast my profession with out wavering
provoke unto love and do good works
be clothed with humility, humble myself
be sober, be vigilant
to not murmur
give thanks
rejoice and praise God all the day long

Every note is taken from scripture, and it keeps what I need to be doing ever before me- constantly reminding me to try to be God's best.

Recently I read an article about someone describing who the Marines really are and why they are so successful as a Military Force.  They said Marines are the most Idealistic of the service-members, so much so that in this un-Idealistic world, they often have to "cloak that idealism in a shell." Now what does that even mean?  The world needs a police force...and that's what the Marines are, the 9-1-1 of modern mankind.

Obviously, I won't ever achieve the perfection or ideal that God's Word talks about, but I can sure try.

That's why I'm a Marine, because I have that "try" mentality.

My whole life will be me trying, and failing and trying and failing.  In all that trying and failing, the real and most important question that remains is:  will I leave the world better?

Eph 4:32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.  

If I can forgive and love my fellow man and stand up to evil, then I'd say, yes.

Marines have identified that ideal, and are fighting the face of Evil every day.
Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen.....Police, and Firefighters also are Idealists.  I'd say they too have made this world a better place.

Living a victorious life in Christ is not some magical spell, but rather an active willingness to apply the above truths in the everyday.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Cherished vs. Nasty

When I see what the face of "modern" feminism looks like- Ashley Judd screaming, amidst incoherent ramblings, "I'm a Naaaasty Woman!"- I hear the profanity of her speech and see what she represents and I feel sorry (if you really want to watch it, google it...); I'm sorry I have to be sorry for the actions of another woman. 

I'm sorry that what she proclaimed to the masses is considered to be praise worthy. 

I'm sorry for my daughters who will have to combat this vileness.

I'm a simple woman, desiring a simple life.  I choose to live the best way I can in light of God's Word and in the course of His will for me daily, it even goes as far as guiding how I act, what I do, what I wear and basically, all areas of life. I can hopefully live quietly and peacefully with my neighbor, trying to point others to The Truth. 

That doesn't mean I can't make common sense observations. Observations that lead me to see that I don't understand why it's okay to be a "Naassty woman," and that this behavior is not just acceptable, but hailed as "ground breaking" and "brave," as if it were some kind of achievement. 

If and when the time comes for me to speak up, someone always gets offended.

And this is where I stand today, I've offended people...I chose to take a stand against what Judd represents. Since then, people have said that I'm closed minded and ignorant. 

I'm a woman hater because I wear skirts and I choose to have standards- Supposedly I am indoctrinated and brainwashed... I'm legalistic ... that's a whole other blog post for another time.  


I try to practically apply what I learn from God's Word in my own life. The focus ends up being on the fact that I want to please the Lord through the way I dress.  Skirts, all of a sudden become the crux of women's issues. The fact that I choose to dress modestly makes me unchristian.

Finding faults and splitting hairs about inconsequential things are counterproductive. Look around- there are a lot more unkind words and deeds being done, worse than my choice of clothing...

Let's put our energies into this, if you will, let's study why the idea of the "Naaaasty woman" is something supposedly to be desired. 

Why are women in the 1,000s flocking to see the "Ashely Judds" of progressive feminism? 

I came across this in my news feed, which might answer this very question:

So, for four generations, our grandmothers, our mothers, ourselves, and our own daughters have been taught that progressive feminism has been THE ONE and ONLY guiding light to equality.  Isn't that what the author is saying above?

(Let's just define the term as it relates to the modern woman's rights movement: equality- the total elimination of gender roles so as to attack and break down the traditional home and its' nuclear family.)

The fore-mothers of the first wave of feminism did their due diligence to get the vote, and arguably, that was not because of some radical movement of progressive thinkers; burning and pillaging and swearing and marching, no, I think it was the result of the resounding effects of the Second Great Awakening- you see the idea of equality doesn't come from some progressive as she defines it, but has been defined long before women marched. It came from the Women who were affected by the love of Christ, who in turn helped fuel the winds of prosperity in the Land of the Free as they sought life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness by seeing themselves as Christ saw them, as Women endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights...

As pictured above, the author is trying to say that radical feminism is the only reason women have it so good in America. 

According to her and to the people labeling me legalistic, I should stop criticizing Ashley's vile speech and actions. I should with all humility and lowliness of mind go thank her and a "uterus" hat wearing feminist. I should be grateful for all she's done for me....

Can you honestly lump what the suffragettes did in to what was done during the "women's march," just a couple weeks ago, or even 60 years ago with the second wave?

I think not.

Those women did nothing, except complain about free birth control and Donald Trump, demand that baby killing be a true "American Value," (as stated by Cecile Richards of PP), and embarrass themselves. (And all other women for that matter...)

Our fore-mothers would be disgusted at what took place last week and 60 years ago.

Women thrive in America, and it's not because of "social unrest, activism and resistance" but because of the passing on of the true virtues of being a woman- a woman who is cherished by the God who created her.  I will pass on that tradition and teach my kids of the sanctity of life; I will teach my daughters that life is precious.

The "modern woman" marched.... and believes life is a matter of choice, and if that life needs to be snuffed out because of inconvenience then she obliges and kills her own son or daughter in the womb. 

Almost 60 million sons and daughters have been murdered since the time "Women Marched"...

I believe that there is an inherent difference between the sexes and I will teach my daughters that they were fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of their Creator, and that they should embrace their femininity-that wearing skirts is okay. I'll teach them it's a way to differentiate themselves and show the world that they are proudly different from a man.

The "modern woman" marched.... and believes that there is no difference between herself and a man and therefore she desperately tries to be like a him giving up on her true nature, she will perpetuate this lie to her carefully timed and selected offspring, and even poison her prepubescent sons with hormones to help change their sex so they can "be free to be a girl."

I believe that a woman's most important role when she becomes a parent is to be a mother to her children- I will teach my daughters to desire to be who God created her. 

They marched... and believe that to choose to leave the market place of career and return home to care for the family full-time is unworthy.
I believe a woman should guard her heart, for out of it are the issues of life; I will teach my daughters that their love should be saved and cherished.

The "modern woman" marched.... and believes that a woman should live promiscuously. Objectifying themselves and their own daughters all the while trying to mimic and satisfy the behavior of sinful man's bases desires-with birth control at her side, she's free of the "consequences" of such behavior.
The light of the Gospel is why women are afforded the rights they have. These rights have been set forth in our Founding Documents which were influenced by the Bible.

So, no, I won't thank a radical feminist. It wasn't Ashley Judd or some bra burner from the sexual revolution...

It was generations of cherished women, who continued to hold fast to their professions of faith and weren't afraid of their natures and the innate feminine qualities they possessed. 

It was because they, quietly, and diligently taught their daughters to be cherished. 

I'm a cherished lady. Not because I think I'm somebody, but because of what THE SOMEBODY did for me on a cross 2,000 years ago. 

I want my daughters to grow into cherished ladies, not "Naaaaaaasty Women."

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Valuable Mothers

Most people would say this in response to me telling them that I teach Home Economics: "Really!?, they still teach that in schools?"  

It's quite interesting to me to see how much our society has degraded the home and its many functions.  In the guise of "women's rights," we have conditioned countless generations of high school girls to think that home making is not a high calling.  As a result we now have over-stressed, over -worked women who have farmed out their children to be cared for by others. While they pursue personal gain and a false notion that the modern "liberated" woman can and will have it all.  I'm not trying to cause a war between what each individual mother chooses for her life, but I am trying to  "tip the scales" of balance back towards a  perspective equal to the idea that staying at home with your children is just as important if not more to that of the career/working mom. This negative perception of a woman's womanly duties have been undermined for far too long. 

My job as an educator is to give my students a fair and accurate view of both sides.  For so long, there has been a retreating of women from the home. Perhaps we need to bring back an education of what actually being in the home entails, rather than indoctrinate upcoming generations of women into a one sided narrow view, which states that fulfillment only comes from the emancipation of her maternal instincts in order to forge a way in the male dominated market place of corporate America.  Chasing the male characteristics of a career outside the rearing and caring for the children she bore herself. Actually within reason, this gender reversal of the roles and trying to be a man is unnatural. But Feminists have played the woman for a fool since the time she said that she can eradicate the products of promiscuity in obtaining an abortion, therefore, "biologically" being just like the man in that regard.  Woman, as God created her, is more intelligent than Feminists would like her to think. You see there is a lot to be said to the natural draws a woman feels when she has a child of her own.  

Why I teach Home Ec. to girls is to tell them: it is okay to want to stay at home with her kids and leave the corporate path; it is okay and she has not "regressed" back to the stone age because her maternal call ways heavily on her desire to care for her house, husband and children.

In my attempt to prepare for my class and as I was reading the introduction in our Home Ec. book, the first paragraph was a perfect example of what I have been trying to relay to my students:

                "Technology has made life easier for billions of people, but one of its greatest benefits is its                  contribution to women's rights. Liberated from the need to have someone at home all day                long, women could work in offices, flip burgers, run banks.  Home economics ("home ec" to                dwindling generations of high school students) was seen as a lowering of horizons,                              regressive even." paragraph 1, page 6 Home Economics Vintage Advice and Practical                         Science for the 21st Century Household

Most progressive educators would be thrilled with this analysis, and on the other hand some of my counterparts would veer away from a book whose first paragraph states such falsity so emphatically.  I however, see an opportunity to teach my students; first, to be ever aware of ideologies that go against the Bible, and second, to teach them to think about what the author is saying and why it is something they can or cannot agree with when it's compared to what the Bible says.  My ideals are grounded in what the Bible has to say on every aspect of life.  This is how I view the world. (Everyone has a world view of some kind, secular, humanistic, or Biblical)

On the contrary to what the world seems to value (as stated in the opening paragraph) I would like to pose this question: who will remember what office you worked, what bank you ran or what kind of burgers you flipped when you are sitting on your rocking chair in some assisted living care center? Who will remember if you scaled the highest mountain, ran the fastest time or traveled to all the countries of the world?  My Biblical world view teaches me that life is not made up of what is temporal, but what is eternal.  When life ends here on Earth, another life begins in eternity. Titus chapter 2 speaks about what God places value on in His ultimate design for man and woman in their roles in such capacities within and out of the Home. Again, each situation is different for those who encounter life.  And the ideal won't always be attainable.  I am trying to teach God's ideal as He states in the Bible.  And specifically the ideal as it pertains to women,  Tit 2:3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; Tit 2:4 That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, Tit 2:5 To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.

This ideal is what I try to have my students strive for, not what the world says.  It all comes down to what will be remembered when our lives on this earth are done.  What will be remembered is the heritage that you as a mother laid as a joint heir to the grace of life. 1Pe 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them (wife) according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

In the role as mother you will have your part in molding and making a future generation of Christians who can continue to pass on the knowledge of God's beautiful salvation through Jesus.  This is a sobering and daunting thought, and more worth should be doled out to those moms who would choose this ideal.  Choosing to "lower your horizons," as the introduction pointed out is actually quite the opposite when choosing to be the sole care provider of your children, house and home, it's not "regressive." 

Technology may have made laundry easier, a dishwasher may make it easier to wash dishes but technology cannot replace what is a mother's steady figure of constant nurturing care and guidance give and requires her to be in the home from day to day(if not until the children are of school age, which then, gives her more freedom to choose her daily duties).  Being "home all day" is what makes that position so irreplaceable, for you can only be a mother to the child you gave birth to, all others are just a replica. (Not to demean those who have no choice in the matter, again, I'm striving for the ideal.)

We need to raise up a generation of women who will not run from their posts of the home or be intimidated in their decision by a godless society that tells them they have chose a course less desirable in  life, but be glad and return to what is the most important role, as Ellen Key said,

                              "The Mother [sic and wife] is the most precious possession of the nation. So                                          precious that society advances its highest well-being when it protects the functions                                 of the mother."

It's about time we reintroduce Home Economics back into life, back into schools, and back into the minds of generations to come- a vocation worthy of its pursuit.  It's time we as a society begin to protect and cherish the office of motherhood and home making once again.  It's time to advance moms, not demean them. 

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Operation: TOTB!

Alright, in response to the total decay of modern society and its now very backward stance on the governance of the use of public restrooms, I call your attention to, Operation: Take Our Toilets Back! 

It's easy to figure out from my household why the latest battles against the designated gender signs over public restrooms are so disheartening.  I have three very innocent impressionable girls that I am trying to raise to be decent law abiding productive, God fearing women someday.

 This latest attack on my daughters, yes, it's an attack on them- they are helpless and they can't defend themselves against the perverts who want to use their bathroom, is an indication of what I have said so many times before: that once you allow for any variation of perversion of lifestyle as it relates to gender outside of what was designed infiltrate, you will have an upset of decent morals, the breakdown of the cooperation of mankind to live peaceably with one another and the eradication of basic common sense. Hence, the dilemma we now see in our modern culture on bathroom choice.

 My Pastor's Wife pointed out something very interesting, why aren't Trans-gender Women who identify as men fighting so hard to use the men's bathroom?  I'll tell you, because no one wants to use that dirty smelly place....even so-called women who identify as men...

Operation Take Our Toilets Back! (OTOTB!) is a mission for regular mothers who want to protect their children.

In my house, I will now instruct my girls the following way:

In the event that a self-identifying woman/man uses the bathroom while they are in it, my girls will commence to the following action: (this protocol is not just for young girls, but women like me, who also feel that our bathrooms should be for our use only...)

1-Identity, Detect and Acquire target: Is it a man?  Yes.
2- Employment of Non-lethal Means: Plan of Action if affirmative: Engage target by screaming highest possible shrilled scream, while yelling, "help, help help!!!"
3-Target Neutralization: Don't stop screaming unless otherwise instructed by parent.

This home will start OTOTB!! training today.  And if you have ever heard my girls scream, you know that for sure there will definitely be a scene in the bathroom and that said TG will be made to feel just as uncomfortable as we have been made to feel.

I am not hopeless and as the minorities of this country complain the loudest in an attempt to change Her, I will actively engage in my small way!  I will not go down silent!

"It is a general popular error to suppose the loudest complainers for the publick to be the most anxious for its welfare." -Edmund Burke

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Dear Freddie

Cup of Joy for the day is my favorite tea mug (on the days when a cup and saucer just won't cut it) and some good old  English breakfast tea, this collection of tea happened to be a gift this year from one of Mike's Attorney friends.  We get spoiled, every year around Christmas a huge basket of goodies arrives on our doorstep...

Frederick has been in our family now for 6 months.  Obviously, I'm so in love with this little man. 

At six months, Frederick enjoys playing with empty water bottles, my keys on my school lanyard, any rattling shiny objects and his little monkey stuffy that plays neat jungle music. 

He has started this new sound where he is says "dadadada." Of course it would be that sound, cus I'm with the boy most. Ha!!All of my kids said "dadada" first. He giggles when I play peek-a-boo and kiss his cheeks.  He likes to get the attention of all of us by shrilling loudly above everyone.

He sucks his thumb.  When he gets sleepy he puts his head on my shoulder, snuggles up and puts his thumb in his mouth. Not long after that he's sound asleep. He can roll onto his side; he doesn't care to be on his tummy for long.  

Lizzie likes to pick him up and carry him around the living room when he gets fussy while I'm cooking.  Maddie calls him "baby fuzzy" sometimes and she'll ask him, "baby Freddie, you love me? you love me?" Bella likes to tickle his feet and tells him, "you're so cute, I could eat you..."  

Everyone loves him...I think all of my kids have about 5 adopted aunts and grandmas.   

"A little bit of heaven
Has been (sic) sent from above-
A handful of happiness,
A heartful of love.
The mystery of life,
So sacred and sweet
The giver of joy
So deep and complete.
Precious and priceless,
So lovable, too
The world's sweetest miracle,
Baby  Freddie (sic), is you"

Thursday, March 24, 2016

The "Beth" Hug

I was sitting with my husband tonight and we were talking about what it was like to be newly married and all the things we have learned along the way.  Oddly, we were talking about the size crock pot we had and how we should have bought a bigger one when we were first married.  Then I said, "Yeah, one of those kinds of questions I could've asked my mom...I wish she was still here..."

This statement set off a kind of domino effect of memories, connecting me to her again. Causing me to think about the questions I've had through the years that I would have asked her, drawing out long forgotten memories I had experienced with her.

I think about all the things that that woman, who was my mother, has missed since she went away.

One memory comes to mind on one particular day, it takes me to David's Bridal where I was picking out my wedding dress. I was in the store by myself, trying dresses on, one by one the attendant brought out each dress for me to put on...I was happy in the moment, happy that I had found love and someone to share my life with yet I was sad because my mom wasn't there offering me her opinions; I was full of joy because of the prospect of matrimony and how I wasn't going to be alone, yet I felt hollow at the fact that there was an empty chair where she was suppose to be. She wasn't there to help me pick out the most important dress I was to wear in my life.

She was there countless times before in high school where we would choose dresses for proms and pageants, times that were fun, but times I foolishly took for granted.

Pictures of my mom flash in my minds eye, as I vaguely remember what it was like to feel her presences in my life as a young girl barely 15 years old.  A time in my own developing girlhood when I started to realize what an amazing person my mom really was.

A time when I started to notice how the hardships of life affected her, yet she still managed to dance with me in the Kitchen to  Aha's "Take On Me"  after school.

 A time when I realized she worked so hard at dead-end jobs where she was over qualified and under paid yet still found the time to make it to track meets where she would cheer me on even if I  was the last person to finish.

A time when I started to realize that she was physically and mentally exhausted, yet still managed to smile at me and give me a big "Beth" hug and ask me how my day was.

A time where I as a teenager acted out because of some superficial offense and how I took it out on her, yet she still managed to say she loved me and forgave me for my teenage immaturity ...

A time where I saw with crystal clear clarity that she was the best mom in the whole world, my only mom...

Then in the wee small hours of the night the phone rang, my dad answered it.  He told me to get my sister up and get dressed.  We traveled to a hospital, where the doctor took us to a little dim lighted room and told us that she didn't survive the car accident she had been involved in, that she was gone. She was gone.

You know, there is an intense loneliness you experience when you loose the person who birthed you, nursed you and nurtured you.

Even amidst the crowded blessings of a home such as mine there are still hints of loneliness in knowing that that one person who was your advocate, who was your flesh and blood, who was your one and only mom, is no longer residing on this earth.

These questions that lead to remembering my mom happen very rarely and are a kind of wake up call to the fact that time makes memories distant. These moments revive that person's existence to life again in a cognitive way. The memories I have of her are alive and vivid, even if for just a few fleeting moments. They touch the emotions and stir them. The reality of my mom's absence is so profoundly realized. Yet the sweetness of her memory is regained into consciousness. It leads me on this rabbit trail of memories and emotions.

I sit here and I quietly try to capture them.

I day dream about what it would be like to pick up the phone and call her, to hear her voice on the other end.  What would it be like to pick her brain? It's like I'm carrying on a a perpetual one-sided conversation that never ends...

Motherhood also, has deeply connected me to my mom. As I'm in the day to day trenches, I can't count how many times I think about what it must have been like for her as she was going through this journey.

How would she advise me now? What would it be like to hear her tell me about things she experienced as I try to raise my kids? Would she agree with how I'm raising them?

The true reality of my life is that my mother is gone.  I choose to not get bitter about it because I know there is purpose and plan to be carried out by a God who loves me. If there hadn't been the death of my mom, would I have learned to love the Lord the way that I do now?  If that was the purpose, then I'll pursue that till the end of my own life.  I don't mourn as others, I live in hope, in the hope that when my journey comes to an end, me and my mom's paths will cross again, and hey, maybe I'll be able  to get one more "Beth" hug.